Q: I’m gay, is there anything different about paruresis for me to know about?

A: We have no evidence at this time that one’s sexuality indicates any need for changes in treatment. The primary thing to consider is cultural differences related to sex segregation in restrooms, and how they affect one’s perceptions of urination and sexual behavior among adults. The healthiest way to view our culture’s desire to segregate restrooms by sex is that urination and sexual activity are completely separate things, and that whether one is straight or gay a restroom isn’t an appropriate place to be thinking about sex. It’s a place for elimination of body wastes. Unfortunately, this ideal view becomes complicated because the genitals are used for two purposes. Dr. Christopher McCullough remarked that if humans were designed to pee from the index finger, there would be no such confusion between sex and urination. Being stuck with genitals designed for two purposes, both straight and gay people need to come to terms with how to deal with this reality.

For people with paruresis, the notion of imagining another person’s sexuality in a restroom without knowing it for a fact is the same kind of irrational thinking that leads to anxiety when we think others are paying attention to sounds we make while urinating, or to how long it is taking. These are all irrational thoughts where we attempt to read another person’s mind (that’s impossible!) For both gay and straight people, it isn’t healthy to be thinking about other people’s views of us, their intentions, or judgments of us in a restroom. We are there to use the restroom, not our imaginations. 

There is one specific difference for gay people to consider, and that is at some gay clubs the restrooms blur the lines between places for elimination and places for sex. Those situations are far beyond our culture’s unwritten rules for restroom use. Anyone with paruresis needs to concentrate on using restrooms where the normal cultural rules apply, and to learn how to separate the body’s dual functions for the genitals.  Once that is achieved, moving on to more challenging and confusing situations is one’s own decision.

Gay people may need to deal with society’s mistaken prejudices regarding sexual orientation and sexual abuse. Many erroneously believe that sexual predators, particularly pedophiles, frequent restrooms and that those people are predominantly gay.

Being gay does not equate to being a sexual predator or molester. Statistically there are many more heterosexual predators and molesters in the world.[vii], [viii]

Noted sexual abuse authority Dr. A. Nicholas Groth wrote:

The research to date all points to there being no significant relationship between a homosexual lifestyle and child molestation. There appears to be practically no reportage of sexual molestation of girls by lesbian adults, and the adult male who sexually molests young boys is not likely to be homosexual (Groth & Gary, 1982, p. 147).

A person should never bring sexual orientation into mind when dealing with the idea of sexual abuse or molestation in restrooms. They are two different and unrelated things. Getting them straight will help in thinking more clearly about your paruresis and its treatment.